The Bachelorette: Predictions

Hey hey hey! Here we are again, reader. A fresh, new season of The Bachelorette.

It’s been a whole, what like 9 weeks-or-something since we cried together over the finale of Ben Higgins’ Bachelor? Wow, the production schedule for this show is astounding!

So, I’m currently in Chicago on business. Tonight, a coworker and I are going to dig up some tickets to see Adam Sandler at the Chicago Theater, which should be super exciting. Unfortunately, that means I have to miss the premiere of this episode. I’ll have some major catching up to do when I return to Nashville tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’ll share with you my predictions for this season – a 1-to-26 ranking of all contestants. This is the very list I used to draft a bachelor team for one of my leagues this season, and my strategy is to select mostly guys who I think have a high chance of winning and throw in a couple of crazies who will get me good drama points. I have read no spoilers; this is based purely on my intuition and the generous bios ABC posted on their website.

1. Chase. I just have a good feeling about him. He seems like a winner.
2. Jordan. Aaron Rodgers’ brother? Former NFL quarterback? He’d be high on my list, for sure.
3. Wells. A Nashville favorite.
4. Chad. This guy seems like a jerk, and I hope he gets drunk all the time and tries to fight everyone.
5. Alex. He’s handsome. A little Clark Kent-esque? I’m afraid he might be too nice for JoJo.
6. James S. I like his smile.
7. Derek. He seems like JoJo’s type. Handsome, probably kind.
8. Vinny. Ok, I think I have a crush on Vinny. He is cute, seems to have a badass edge – and he’s a barber? Swoon.
9. James Taylor. He seems tender. I’m hoping his musical side gets me him far.
10. Peter. The moustache in his profile is a little deceiving (I hope), but I think I could be into him.
11. Sal. Again, he seems like JoJo’s type.
12. Grant. He’s cute. Probably not too promising, but hopefully a little dramatic.
13. Nick B. I honestly don’t remember who this person is or why I ranked him here. I guess that’s why he’s smack in the middle of my list.
14. Coley. This guy will probably get drunk and strip down naked in the pool on night one.
15. Luke. He creeps me out. I feel like he’s staring into my soul.
16. Ali. He seems like a jerk, but I think he resembles JoJo’s brothers a bit, which might bode well for him.
17. Jake. Jake looks like he’s about to start some shit.
18. Robby. Robby is gay. 100%.
19. Daniel. No thank you, Daniel.
20. Will. He looks too squishy and wholesome for JoJo, I think.
21. Nick S. WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BANDANA NECKLACE?
22. Evan. No, never.
23. Brandon. A “hipster” with no tattoos? I’ll never believe it.
24. James F. Just no. Sorry.
25. Christian. He has a nice smile, but I don’t see him going far.
26. Jonathan. Again, no. But “JoJo and Jo” is a pretty cute coupley name.

We’ll see how these predictions ring true. C’mon JoJo!