Forget the gym

I’ve decided I’m going to wear cycling shorts under all of my outfits every day.

Honestly, I don’t understand why people don’t do that all of the time. What’s the point of working out when you can wear cycling shorts that just smoosh everything into all the right places and trick people into thinking you were just born that way? (I mean, other than health benefits and preventing heart attacks and stuff.) Cycling shorts are like Spanx, except better because I already own them.

My shorts give me a teeny waist and flat stomach and shape my hips – and the butt padding is phenomenal. You don’t even know. Yesterday, I went on a bike ride with Bryan, and it took me 15 minutes to leave the bathroom because I couldn’t stop staring at my figure in the mirror and doing hair flips like Beyoncé.

All through our ride, I kept wondering if people were noticing how good I looked, even when I almost collided with a young child on a tricycle who suddenly veered off course as I passed. (We’re all ok.)

After we got home, I refused to change out of them right away, instead opting to dramatically lean over things so I could check out the angles of my new curves. Thank God for selfie sticks. I did this for nearly an hour until I realized just how stale I smelled and finally resigned to taking a shower.

Look out, world! I think I’m onto something here.