Can you believe we made it to the finale? I mean, today is my cat Batman’s birthday, so I’m already feeling emotional and lovey, but I am simultaneously excited to see who Ben picks and sad to see this show end. Oh, The Bachelor, I hate myself for loving you.
Chris Harrison greets us from a stage in front of a live studio audience and promises this will be the Most Dramatic Bachelor Finale Ever. The crowd goes wild, as do I. Here we gooo!
We open with a montage of Lauren B., Jojo and Ben all wandering alone, pensively, around Jamaica. Lauren B. says loving Ben feels so right, more right than anything she’s ever felt before. Jojo says knowing Ben loves her makes her feel the best she has ever felt. Ben came here hoping to find love, and now he loves two women. Don’t hate, he can’t help how he feels.
Ben walks into a house to meet his parents, who are disappointed that their son loves two women but happy that his love allows them a free vacation in Jamaica. Woot woot!
“To know that Ben could possibly be in love with two women?” his mom says, grimacing. “It’s really disturbing to me.” She adjusts her sunglasses and takes another sip of her mai tai.
Lauren B. arrives at the house to meet the Higgins. Higgins’. Higgensess. She’s carrying a huge bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine, and Ben’s parents seem to like her right away. Lauren and Ben reminisce about their love, and then Lauren and Ben’s mom go off together to have a private conversation WHILE HOLDING EACH OTHER’S HANDS. That’s normal. It’s fine. They all talk for a while, and before Lauren B. leaves, she tells Ben that she loves him 57 times.
And now, already, it’s time for Jojo to meet Ben’s parents. She arrives carrying a conch shell full of flowers (so tropical!) and says she’s been waiting to meet Ben’s parents for a long time, which could max be like 8 weeks.
Jojo tells Ben’s dad that Ben is her best friend. Honestly, everything she says to his parents seems so genuine, and they seem to love her. It’s going to be so sad when Ben picks Lauren B. at the end of all of this. (C’mon, you guys. You know it’s Lauren.) Ugh, now Ben’s mom is holding Jojo’s hands!
Does anyone have heart-to-hearts like this with their boyfriend/girlfriend’s parents in real life? I certainly haven’t. Seems like I might have missed out on the fun of holding hands and crying together. Actually, I’d like to try that with Bryan’s dad next time I’m in Warsaw, just to see how awkward he’d feel.
Now the girls are gone, and Ben’s parents tell him what they think. “Lauren is polished, a great gal. I can see why you’ve fallen for her,” Ben’s dad says. “And Jojo has fallen in love with you. She considers you to be a best friend.” This is a concise synopsis that offers Ben no solution whatsoever.
“If you decide to propose to one of them, I’m not going to be disappointed,” Ben’s mom assures, which is both sweet and still extremely unhelpful.
Ben’s Last Date with Lauren
Now, it’s time for Ben to have one last date with Lauren. He’s climbing all around a moving boat, looking mopey and sad because he has somehow gotten two beautiful, smart women to fall in love with him and he has to propose to one of them in freaking Jamaica with a huge diamond ring that he doesn’t have to pay for and his life is so unfair.
Lauren sails up in some sort of dinghy and I’m surprised that thing is floating so well. Ben helps her onto his boat. Now, they are laying on some net kind of stuff (I don’t know much about boats) and talking, and their faces are so close to each other. Like, so close. Is anyone else finding this uncomfortable? She must be really confident in her mouthwash.
Lauren B. notices that Ben is sad, and she thinks he has something on his mind, but she’s not sure what. I repeat: She’s not sure what. Ohhhhh let’s think for a nanosecond, Lo. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s in love with two women and has to propose to one and he doesn’t know who to choose? Maybe he’s upset about THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW?
Just kidding, girl. I could never be mad at you. I’m sorry.
Lauren asks Ben if he has any doubts about them, and he says that their relationship has been so perfect, “it freaks me out.” He’s nervous because they haven’t been tested. But in all fairness, is any relationship truly tested in its first two months? “Things have been too perfect and too easy. Our feelings for each other were too immediate.”
Ben, listen to yourself. That’s like me saying, “My body is too toned, and my skin is too clear, and I’m too well-educated and people find my personality too endearing.” Boo hoo hoo hoo.
After a brief commercial break, it’s nighttime, and Ben arrives at Lauren’s room for wine. Like every other day this season, he is wearing a heathered gray shirt, but Lauren is wearing the cutest black dress and I need to remember to Google that later so I can buy it for myself.
They continue to talk about Ben’s weird ‘tude, and Lauren B. comes across as so sure and confident. Good for her. Candidly, she tells the camera that she’s scared Ben is in love with Jojo.
Ben and Lauren share a long embrace by the door, and then kiss, and then poof! he’s gone.
Ben’s Last Date with Jojo
It’s a new day, and elsewhere on the Sandals Jamaica resort, Jojo tells us she’s confident she’s going to be Ben’s wife. I really like this Jojo that we’ve gotten to know over the last few weeks; she’s blossomed so much since Ben told her he loved her. Which, honestly, is also kind of sad because she really doesn’t know that he also told Lauren B. he loves her, too. Bless.
Ben picks up Jojo in a Jeep, and Jojo calls him “babe” a lot as they drive around the island. They end at a swimming hole that is beautiful and blue, where they dive in and make out under a waterfall. You know, as people do.
Gloomy Gus Ben is still mopey, and Jojo asks what’s wrong. Once again, we’re dragged through a depressing conversation. “I love you, both of you are great, I don’t know who to pick, my life is so hard.” Jojo hopes she doesn’t end up looking a fool.
Now, it’s nighttime, and just like the other night with Lauren, Ben is still struggling. Jojo is wearing a super-cute backless romper, and I’m beginning to wonder if she brought a bra to Jamaica at all. Good for her.
Ben cares for Jojo so much, and he knows he’s confusing. He understands it’s hard for her to understand. He’s tried to find fault in their relationship, but he can’t. In two months, Jojo has become his best friend.
And now Jojo is upset. She pulls Ben into a bathroom and closes the door so they can talk without the cameras in their faces. Ooh this is getting so dramatic!
“I need something from you. I’m losing my mind,” Jojo cries to Ben.
“I’m sitting here on a bathroom floor with you tonight, being as open with you as I possibly can be,” Ben responds. “I love you.”
“But you love her, too,” Jojo responds. “Am I right?”
“Have you said that to her?”
Jojo is sobbing. Ugh, I feel so bad for her. She really thought she was the only one he loved! Now they walk out of the bathroom, and Ben is crying, too. They hug solemnly, and he leaves.
The Next Day
Ben is walking around shirtless, posing like a male model, wondering what to do. He tells us for the 1,000,000th time that he’s in love with two women.
Neil Lane arrives with a shitload of diamonds. Ben is unsure how he can even begin to select a ring when he’s still not sure who it’s for. But, once he sits down and looks at the rings, he smiles. The clouds part and a unicorn gallops across a rainbow overhead. He knows who he’s going to pick after all! He just realized! He’s really, fully in love with one of these women! She’s the one!
Phew. It’s about time.
He selects a ring.
Note: Post-finale research reveals that the engagement ring Ben selected is 4.6 carats and retails for $95,000. Which is like basically the same as my ring, so whatevs. #blessed
The Final Rose Ceremony
The Final Rose Ceremony?! We’re here already?
Ben is getting dressed in slow motion.
Lauren B. curls her hair pensively.
Jojo stands on the balcony and looks out over the ocean.
The tension is mounting.
Now, we see Ben standing on a wooden platform next to one single rose, waiting for the first woman to arrive.
Who will it be? Will he propose to her? Will he say goodbye to her? How can he do this!?
“In order to let myself fully love one woman, I have to say goodbye to the other,” Ben says.
OH GOSH. This is it. The first woman is landing in the helicopter. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
“I told this woman I love her,” Ben says again. We see a pair of mystery feet step out of the helicopter. “But now I have to say goodbye,” Ben finishes, just as we see the hem of the woman’s dress. It’s Jojo.
Chris Harrison escorts Jojo from the helicopter across a lawn, and then she has to take a painful solo journey down and around a 3-mile-long wooden walkway to finally get to Ben. Jojo looks gorgeous; Ben looks like he’s going to vomit all over everything. As is apparently customary on The Bachelor, Jojo speaks first, telling Ben how in love with him she is and how she’s looked forward to this moment her whole life.
“This has all been worth it. You are worth it,” she tells him. “You are my best friend. I am so completely in love with you.”
OH MERCY! The torture!
Ben looks like he is really going to faint, and he’s not smiling at all. This should be a giveaway to her, but on a show full of surprises, I suppose she’s still thinking anything is possible.
Now it’s Ben’s turn to respond. “I… uhhhh….”
Not a strong start.
“I came into this not knowing if I was going to find love, but with you, it was real. Always. I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you…”
Where is this going?
“…but I found it with somebody else more.”
Ohhhhh, I get it.
“I don’t want to let go because I don’t want to say goodbye. I still love you, even on a day like today.”
Jojo is crushed and pale. “I don’t even know what to say right now,” she says. “I’m so confused and blindsided. You told me you’re in love with me, that I’m your best friend. Where did it go wrong?”
“It never did,” Ben responds. Not helpful. He wants to say more, but Jojo cuts him off. Ben walks her out, over the wooden walkway, through the woods, across the lawn, to a limo.
Jojo gets in, crying, and immediately takes off her shoes. I think that’d be my first move, too. Ben says goodbye and closes the door. Jojo sobs as she’s driven away.
Ben watches her go and starts to freak out. He’s crying. He leans against a tree and gasps for air. He takes off his jacket and walks around, and we can see that his shirt is soaked in sweat. This is so dramatic.
Now, Ben seems to be calming down. He loves Lauren B. so much, he tells us. “I love her so much that saying goodbye to Jojo had to happen. I could have married Jojo and been happy, but Lauren’s is a love I can’t lose.”
Oh, and now, here’s that scene we kept seeing in previews where he gets out his cell phone to call someone. Who is it?!
“Hi, Mr. Bushnell?” Ben says. O.M.G. he is calling Lauren’s dad to ask for permission to marry Lauren! I am a sucker for this ish.
Mr. Bushnell gives his blessing. Ben hangs up and does a fist pump, squeaking “Woo!” and spinning in a circle. Ehhhh….?
Just then, Lauren arrives in the helicopter. She doesn’t know if she’s the first or second one to arrive; she doesn’t know if Ben will propose or send her home. Chris Harrison escorts her across the lawn, and she, too, begins her long, laborious journey across the wooden planks to Ben.
“You couldn’t look more beautiful – holy cow!” Ben says when she reaches him. They hug.
Lauren starts her speech, a la Jerry Maguire. She loves Ben. She loves him!
Now it’s Ben’s turn. “I came into this feeling unlovable, like I couldn’t be loved and wouldn’t find someone to love me fully. Then I went on this journey that’s full of goodbyes – but I never want to say goodbye to you.” He gets down on one knee. “Will you marry me?”
“Ben! Yes!” Lauren cries.
He puts all $95K of those diamonds on her teeny, skinny finger, and they embrace and kiss.
“We’re engaged!” they cheer to the camera. Ben picks Lauren up and carries her in his arms all the way to the helicopter, where they fly away and live happily ever after.
I’m not crying. Are you crying? [Tears]
Wow, reader. That’s the end. It was Lauren B. all along, just like we knew it was. Good for them. Good for all of us! Ben and Lauren B. found true love, and we watched it happen.
I started watching this season only because I wanted to participate in the fantasy draft with my coworkers. But now, here I am, $20.00 poorer but infinitely richer in love. Or something.
Best/worst of all? Jojo, who I now love and want to find a true love of her own, is the next Bachelorette. There’s no way I’m not watching that! Looks like we’re in this for the long haul.
So, what do you say? Meet you back here in a few months?