The Bachelor: Jamaica

It’s week 9, aka. FANTASY SUITE WEEK! I’m joined again this week by my #1 Bachelor-watching partner, Bryan, who seemed intrigued when I explained what a Fantasy Suite is.

We dive into this episode to find Ben and the three remaining ladies, Lauren B., Jojo and Caila, in Jamaica. Ben, appropriately, is wearing a neon pink shirt. It’s a button-down, of course, but pink nonetheless.

Ben lists his favorite things about Jamaica, which include, “The water is blue,” so, at least we know he’s observant. “Jamaica could be a really great place to fall in love,” he says, which is reassuring since he tells us in the same breath that he has strong feelings for all three remaining women. Sounds like trouble to me.

Also troublesome is the fact that now we’re watching Ben awkwardly trying to SCALE A STONE WALL in his pink button down shirt and khakis? Why is this necessary?

First Jamaica Date: Caila

Ben is excited to spend a day in Jamaica with Caila, but he still wants to make sure she’s the type of girl who can cry with him. Wow, he’s really jazzed on this crying idea, which makes sense because Bryan is always telling me he wishes I would be more emotional about things.

And here comes Caila, wearing a bikini top and denim shorts. I’m just gonna lay it out there – I’m annoyed with Caila and I want her to go home tonight. Sorry, Caila lovers.

Ben and Caila get on some sort of raft made of hollow wood (I’m sure it has a real name) and paddle through a dangerous jungle river, barely speaking to each other. It’s strange. Even the background music is spooky.

“When are we going to see Jojo?” Bryan asks. “She’s the hottest.”

Ben and Caila make it off the raft, where they sit at a jungley restaurant and sip out of literal coconuts. Ben’s asking Caila a zillion questions, and she’s talking in circles again and acting sad.

After a brief commercial break, we meet Ben again at nighttime, and he tells us he’s hesitant about the Fantasy Suite because Caila was so effing weird today. Um, HELLO Ben, isn’t that the side of her you’ve been begging to see for the last three weeks? Ugh this show is so frustrating.

But, now here comes Caila, wearing a lacy crop top, and she seems in a better mood. They sit for dinner, and Ben asks her why she was weird earlier in the day. Caila starts to open up to Ben, and then she says that she’s been wanting to tell him something for a long time. “I’m in love with you!” she grins.

Ben doesn’t say, “I love you” back, which we know is bad news because the previews tell us that he tells two women he loves them tonight. Guess Caila’s not one of them!

But never you mind! Ben gives Caila a letter inviting her to the Fantasy Suite. Wait, that letter was penned by Chris Harrison? Seriously? That’s weird AF.

Caila says yes, and we see them walk off to their suite, where the lights dramatically turn off.

Do you think those camera men just sit outside of the Fantasy Suite, filming for hours until the lights turn off?

Ooh, and now it’s the next morning. Ben asks Caila if she always looks this cute when she wakes up, and she says yes even though it’s obvious she’s wearing makeup. Classic trick, ABC. Caila tells Ben how much she loves him, and he still doesn’t say anything which is bad news, though Caila doesn’t know it yet.

Second Jamaica Date: Lauren B.

Yes, it’s necessary to still refer to Lauren as “Lauren B.” even though she’s the only Lauren remaining.

Now, it’s THE SAME DAY and Ben is going on a date with Lauren B. Man, what would that be like to wake up with your boyfriend and know he’s leaving you to spend the day with another girl? This show is something else.

Ben and Lauren B. are so in love and he should just propose already. And now they’re going to play with BABY SEA TURTLES ARE YOU SERIOUS? These turtles are so cute I could die.

“My whole day is filled with cuteness!” Ben exclaims.

I ask Bryan if he feels like every day with me is filled with cuteness, and he nods obediently, just like I taught him.

Now, we see Ben and Lauren B. releasing the baby sea turtles into the ocean for the first time and I am crying and squealing and am so jubilant I can barely even remember what we’re doing here.

Ben and Lauren B. have a conversation that’s essentially, “You’re too good for me.” “No, you’re too good for me.” “I don’t deserve you.” “No, I don’t deserve you.” And now they are swimming in the ocean under an effing double rainbow and this is the most magical day I have ever witnessed.

They meet up again for dinner and we are not surprised to see that Lauren B. is wearing YET ANOTHER crop top. How can one show can have so many crop tops in it? I wonder, as I scarf down my leftover Indian food like a maniac.

“I could see a life with you, Ben,” Lauren B. confesses. “You are legitimately the man of my dreams.”

Just then, Ben offers Lauren B. the fantasy suite card – again, from Chris Harrison – and she accepts. As they walk into the suite, Lauren B. says she’s been meaning to tell Ben something. “I am completely in love with you,” she says.

Ben smiles, then responds: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while, as well.” GASP! The look on Lauren’s face is so sweet and now they are giggling with glee and Bryan is rolling his eyes but I’m ignoring him because this is just the nicest thing ever.

“She’s the winner,” Bryan says.

Lauren B. and Ben continue to giggle and kiss on the couch, but each time they move they sink lower and lower on the cushions. Like, their necks are at such strange angles right now with the way their bodies are hanging off of the couch. I hope there’s an on-set nurse because this does not seem safe.

Ben draws the curtains, and it’s lights out. “This is the best day of my life,” Lauren B.’s voice over says. We pan away to commercial to the sound of slobbery kissing.

Third Jamaica Date: Jojo

Ben and Jojo see each other from a weirdly long distance and run to each other for what seems like 30 minutes. Then, they take a helicopter to a waterfall which is just such a Bachelor thing to do.

Now, we see them diving off of the waterfall and now they’re making out on top of the waterfall? I take it back, thisis such a Bachelor thing to do.

“When I think about my future, I know without a doubt I want to spend it with you,” Jojo tells Ben. “I’m not just falling in love anymore. I love you.” Aww.

“Jojo, I love you, too,” Ben says.

“What?!” Jojo asks, shocked.

“Barf,” says Bryan.

“Uh oh,” I say. Ben loves two girls? This is trouble. (Of course, we knew this was coming.)

“This is the best day of my life,” Jojo says. OH NO. We’ve heard that before, too. This is getting so dramatic.

Now it’s nighttime, and Ben and Jojo meet for dinner, though once again, they never actually eat anything. Jojo feels more excited than ever about planning a future with Ben, because he said he loves her and she doesn’t know that he also just said that to Lauren B. YESTERDAY HOW COULD YOU DO THIS BEN?

“It just doesn’t scare me to tell you how I feel,” Ben says to her, which is also apparent because I guess he is just TELLING EVERYONE HE LOVES THEM THESE DAYS.

Chris Harrison’s creepy letter shows up again, and Ben and Jojo decide to visit the fantasy suite together.

The Day of the Rose Ceremony

Ben is wandering the island and contemplating his fate. It’s so easy for him to see his future with Jojo, but he really does love Lauren B., too. He’s been enthralled by her since the first moment he saw her. He didn’t know it’d be possible to love two women. Oh boy.

“I just couldn’t say it to Caila, though,” he tells us candidly. “I’m not excited to break up with her at the Rose Ceremony.” Well, guess that settles that. Bye bye, Caila!

Across the island, Caila has just decided that now would be a good time to sneak over to Ben’s house and say hello and remind him that she’s “still there” and “still loving him.” Oh honey. 

Wearing another crop top and/or bikini top, Caila cruises in a towncar and pulls up at Ben’s. She’s walking all around the house, looking for him, grinning like an idiot, until she spots him sitting outside in a chair looking depressed. She sneaks outside, tiptoes behind him and scares the living daylights out of him when she leans over and gives him an upside-down kiss. This is painful. 

“We’re just two people in love, spending the day together!” Caila chimes to the camera.

“Oh heyyyyyyy,” Ben grimaces. “I’m glad you came over.” Yeah, I’m sure. “This has been a crazy week. I realized that I am in love with two women here – and not you. I don’t know why. I don’t know how.”

Well, this is not how Caila thought things were going to go.

Ugh, now everyone is sobbing. “I really did love you.” “I really am going to miss you.” Caila gets in the towncar, Caila gets out of the towncar. Caila is mad, Caila understands. Ben is relieved, Ben is crying. Finally, Caila gets back in the car and is driven away, sobbing in the back seat.

“I thought I’d be getting engaged in a week and a half,” she says to the cameraman who has the unfortunate job of riding in the back seat with the recently rejected bachelorettes. “I was ready to be his wife. I was ready for our future.”

Back at the house, Ben is reeling. He hopes he didn’t make a mistake. Ahhh, this is the shot of him crying on the steps that I’ve been waiting for!

Caila has come to understand that her purpose in life is to love people who don’t love her back.

The Rose Ceremony

Jojo arrives first. She is wearing a beautiful floral dress, and she looks so pretty. Chris Harrison greets her and Jojo tells him that Ben told her he loved her yesterday. Chris smiles and escorts her to the garden for the ceremony.

Then, Lauren B. arrives. Chris greets her, and she tells him that Ben told her he loved her two days ago. Chris smiles and escorts her to the garden for the ceremony.

The girls stand in the garden, waiting for Caila to show up but we know sheeee’s notttt comingggg! Instead, Ben arrives.

“Obviously, Caila’s not here,” Ben starts. “We had a really good thing, but my feelings couldn’t catch up. So, as tough as it is to say goodbye to Caila, I’m confident in this.”

The girls feign sadness, and then Ben calls them individually to receive roses. Both Lauren B. and Jojo accept, and then they all do an awkward three-way hug.

“I could picture both Jojo and Lauren being my wife,” Ben says. “I am in love with two women.”

Dun dun dunnnnnn!

Next Week on The Bachelor

Ughhhhh, it’s “The Women Tell All” episode? Boo!

In Two Weeks

“It’s the live TV event of the year!” Ben has told two women he loves them. Ben doesn’t know what to do. Lauren can’t picture her life without Ben. Jojo has been thinking about her engagement day her whole life. Ben has to say goodbye to a girl who doesn’t deserve it. He has said goodbye to someone and it was was a mistake. OH BOY.