The Bachelor: Soccer Date

Well, well, well. Has it been a week already? Welcome to week three of The Bachelor: The Recap Version.

We open with Lauren B. and Amanda lounging outside, gossiping about Olivia. They are starting to suspect what we already know – Olivia is here for the wrong reasons.

Chris Harrison, who undoubtedly has the best job in America, enters the mansion carrying a date card. It’s for [drum roll] Lauren B., and it says what 50% of all date cards on any given season of The Bachelor say: “The sky’s the limit.”

What? Could it be – ? No, it couldn’t be – ? A plane ride? Surely, that is too extravagant for one date, right?

Date 1: Lauren B.

Ben rolls up in a convertible and comes into the house to retrieve Lauren B. All the girls say hello and are just so happy to see Ben take someone else on a date. They all crowd around the convertible and wave goodbye, and I can’t help but wonder: How many crop tops did they pack?

As Ben drives Lauren B. To their secret date destination, she asks one million questions about what they’re going to do. “Will I be scared? Will you be scared? Will I be terrified? Will you be terrified?” They pull up to little yellow airplane, and somehow, Lauren B. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT is scared to fly.

They climb on into the plane, nerves a-fluttering, and are so cozy in the bucket seat with their cute aviation goggles. They take off and cuddle as they soar through the sky. From the ground, the girls left at the mansion can see the yellow plane and they are immediately jealous.

Once the plane lands in some sort of field, Ben and Lauren B. go for a hike. He encourages her to jump on his back, which is adorable but risky. How long can they walk like that? They trudge through the field, and when they look back, they only see two sets of footprints, because that’s when the Lord was carrying them. Or something.

Anyway, they end up at a hot tub in the middle of the field. What’s his deal with hot tubs, anyway? Everyone knows they’re just full of bodily fluids. Ben and Lauren B. get in the tub and they are kissing and falling in love.

Back at the house, Caila is just realizing that she can have her heart broken if she really falls for Ben. While processing this realization with with Jojo, Caila breaks into a screeching, Oprah-worthy ugly cry. “It’s hard to have an open heart.” We know, girl. We know.

Now it’s nighttime, and we’re back to Ben and Lauren B.’s date. Lauren has changed into a cute white dress. She and Ben eat dinner and talk about “big things.” Ben wonders how no one has grabbed her up already, and she teases that she’s pick-eeeeey. “I want to have a husband like my dad was to me.”

I am more bummed than ever that I didn’t pick her for my fantasy team, as they are clearly falling in love.

Flash back to the mansion, where the second date card is just arriving. It’s a group date for Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jamie, Rachel, Lace and Emily. 

Now, back to Ben and Lauren B. “I want her to really know me,” Ben says to the camera. He tells Lauren B. a heartbreaking story about his dad, and Lauren B. says she wants to meet his family, then says, “Wait, that’s kind of weird!” which makes me love her for being so honest and cute. Ben gives her a rose. They go into some room somewhere and there’s some sort of chick country band playing and Ben and Lauren B. dance on a rug and it’s so awkward and I just love love. 

Date 2: The Group Date

Now we’re at the second date and the ladies seem really excited to be wearing sports bras and running into some sort of sports stadium. Ben is there to greet them and informs them that, on this “date,” they will be playing soccer with two members of the U.S. women’s national team.

This would be my effing nightmare. If I were on that date, I would just lay down on the grass and let everyone run around me. I truly cannot express to you just how much I would loathe playing soccer on a date.

The girls are doing things with soccer balls, throwing them at chests and kicking. Chris Harrison shows up in a weird soccer uniform. He tells the girls that practice is over and they will now play a soccer game and the losing team has to go back to the mansion.

The girls are ready to play, and they dress in uniforms: The Stars team and the Stripes team. The Stars team scores immediately, like so fast, but based on the previews we’ve already seen, we know that the Stripes team wins, so can we just skip ahead?

Long story short, everyone is impressed by Emily’s amazing goalie skills, and Rachel hurts her leg. The Stars team loses and is banished to the mansion (wahh!) and Shushanna carries Rachel into the house because she can’t walk. Now, I’m not one to buy into stereotypes, but I do think it’s pretty interesting that the Russian lady is carrying a fully grown woman into the mansion and up so many freaking stairs without any assistance.

Meawhile, the Stripes have all changed into cocktail dresses, and it’s nighttime. Immediately, Olivia pulls Ben away from the group and into a hotel room which, as you could guess, causes maj dram (which is an abbreviation I just made up for “major drama.”) From the hotel room balcony, Olivia shouts, “Hey everybody!” to the girls down below, and Lace slurs back with anger. “People find me intimidating, I guess,” Olivia says later, “And I’m like, ‘Uh! I’m not!’” 

Downstairs, the girls are trash talking about whether or not Olivia’s boobs are real and about how her breath smells bad. As soon as Olivia comes back downstairs, Sidekick Jami runs and immediately tells Olivia everything everyone said. “People were trash-talking you,” Jami says.

“About what? My calves? I have cankles?” Olivia guesses. Wow – clearly she has just revealed where her true insecurities lie. Like, she just went straight there. “My calves? Cankles? Small feet? Toes? My toes? Perfection is so lame. It. is. sooooo. lame.” Keep telling yourself that, Liv, and maybe one day you’ll believe it.

Ok ok ok ok ok, I’m just going to say it. Even though Olivia is there for the wrong reasons and may or may not have cankles, I think she’s the prettiest-faced one of the whole group. So there. 

At the mansion, the third date card arrives and Jojo hopes its for her. But it’s not. It’s for our pal Jubes (full name: Jubilee) and she’s so happy, she jumps all around the couch. Jojo is going to go cray cray. 

Back on the date, Amber has had no face time with Ben and sits gloomily on the sidelines, but after Lace confronts Ben and explains that she puts up a wall when she’s uncomfortable, Amber finally sneaks in and gets face time with Ben. They share an awkward kiss. Wait, really? That was fast. Like, that wasn’t even natural. Where did that even come from? She is way more into it than he is. They finish kissing and she tells him thank you, which is not great.

After that weird scene, Ben returns to the couch where the other girls await. I guess he must have liked that kiss more than it appeared, because Ben gives a rose to Amber. Olivia is mad that she doesn’t have a rose yet, but she has somehow rationalized in her mind that Ben does little, secret things specifically to reassure her, like looking at her and breathing around her, which he doesn’t do to other girls.  

Date 3: Jubilee

Jubilee is getting ready for her date and she looks so pretty, even though she is wearing some sort of sweatpants? Shushanna says something that seems to offend Jubilee, but I don’t understand why. Also, I don’t understand what, because I can never decipher anything that Shushanna says in her Russian accent. The girls sense that Jubilee is “off” because Ben makes her nervous. The phrase “awko taco” is used, which is the worst.

Ben arrives at the mansion, sits on the couch in the sitting room with the ladies, making truly awkward small talk with Jubilee, and suddenly, we hear a humming sound. “I think our ride is here,” Ben smirks to Jubilee.

It’s a helicopter!

All of the girls are excited and Jubilee says she’s scared of heights and offers her date to someone else. Clearly, she was joking, and is one of those types of people who makes awkward jokes when she’s feeling uncomfortable. A woman after my own heart. The girls show no sympathy, though, and trash talk as Ben and Jubilee fly away in the helicopter. 

After a truly prolonged period of weirdness, Jubilee finally starts to calm down. They fly around town for a bit, then land at a spa which looks like my dream world. 

Listen, people. The last date was a soccer game in which people got sweaty and were injured and had to wear sports bras. And now we’re just jet-setting into some beautiful mansion spa resort? This show is truly unpredictable.

Jubilee and Ben enter the spa, which appears to be abandoned because there is not a soul in sight. They feed each other caviar, but then Jubilee kills the moment by spitting out the food. This is horrible and I am so hungry for that food she just spat into her hand. I want to be annoyed, but then Jubilee says she is obsessed with hot dogs and so am I, so I like her again.

Jubilee comes clean that she gets awkward when she’s overwhelmed. She and Ben have a heart to heart about it. She is intriguing to Ben. “There is something about Jubilee that’s really attractive to me,” he says. Uhh, how bout the fact that she’s really pretty, dumdum?

They play shuffleboard? Why are they not getting massages? Then, lo and behold, they stumble upon another hot tub! Jubilee is suddenly in her bathing suit and when Ben sees her he says “Oww oww!” which is horrible to me. Jubilee says she’s never been more in her comfort zone, which strikes me as kind of strange because she’s in a bikini with a relative stranger on national television, but whatevs. 

Now it’s nighttime, and they are dressed for dinner. Ben says Jubilee is more herself than anyone else, and it’s so refreshing. Jubilee says there are a lot of layers to her, but she does not compare herself to an onion, which I appreciate. They really dive deep into her past, which is sad and painful, and Ben does a great job of comforting her. Ben can see himself falling in love with Jubilee. He gives her a rose.

We have barely seen Lace at all this episode, which seems suspicious to me.

The Night of the Rose Ceremony

The ladies are all guzzling wine in cocktail dresses, as per usual, when Ben comes into the room. But something’s wrong. He seems sad. He announces that he just learned two family friends of his passed away in a plane crash, which I actually remember happening in real life because Warsaw, Indiana is very small town. Poor guy.

Despite the sadness and all common reasoning, Olivia dives in and scoops up Ben for alone time immediately. Without warning, she immediately starts crying to Ben that she is insecure about her cankles and ugly toes.

Whoa, Liv. Those girls really did hit a hot button with you the other night. I can’t believe you’re still thinking about this! It almost makes me feel sad for you. Except, as Olivia’s pouring out her heart, Ben’s voice-over flat out says, “I don’t want to talk about this. Two of my friends died and I want comfort, and she’s crying about her legs.” This could be Olivia’s first stumble.

Later, Amanda takes the right approach by comforting Ben. Jubilee does, too, in a more physical way by giving Ben a massage. Meanwhile, most of the other girls in the house are wondering why Jubilee is being so standoffish to them, and they freak out when they see her massaging Ben. They immediately go into bitchy girl mode, which is the worst, and I hate them for it. Trash talking, saying mean things, chasing Jubilee down. Cutthroat.

Later, Jubilee is sitting alone, minding her own business, and Amber comes over trying to pick a fight. Jubilee runs upstairs (good call) but Amber follows her. Ben knows something is going on and heads upstairs to talk to Jubilee. He straight up defends Jubilee against Amber and totally takes her side, which is uber embarrassing for Amber. I wonder if he wishes right now that he hadn’t already given her a rose.

Way to go, Ben. You handled that so well.

Ben returns downstairs and has just taken a seat to calm down when Lace busts in and pulls him aside. You can tell Ben is NOT up for this. She pulls him all the way through the house to the front courtyard and starts crying. “I (sob) think (sob) you are (sob) amazing,” she starts, “But I have a lot of work to do on myself (sob), and I feel like going home might be easier.” Wow, I didn’t see this coming. Then, Lace really tops even herself WHEN SHE QUOTES HER OWN TATTOO. “Like my tattoo says, ‘You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.’”

Question. WHY IN THE DICKENS WOULD YOU GET THAT TATTOOED ON YOUR BODY?

Lace leaves, and all of the girls are fake sad. And so am I.

The Rose Ceremony

Ben is having feelings that has never felt before. Things are happening here that he can’t put words to. Well, I think that says a lot without saying much at all, don’t you? So let’s get down to it.

First rose: Lauren H. (Really?)

#2: Amanda

#3: Becca

#4: Haley

#5: Emily 

#6: Rachel

#7: Caila

#8: Jojo (Who really showed her ugly side this week)

#9: Jennifer

#10: Leah

#11: Olivia (The fact that he called Olivia last makes me think he was totally punishing her for crying about cankles.)

We say goodbye to Jami and our favorite Russian, Shushanna, who is wearing a cute romper. Apparently, the rule is if you wear pants to the Rose Ceremony, you get sent home. (I’m still not over LB’s departure last week.)

Jami’s take away is that she shouldn’t ever expect anything from humans. She’s going to start adopting cats, which I know she means as a insult, but I think it’s the best darn idea anyone has ever had on this show.  

Next Week on The Bachelor

They’re in Vegas! Ben’s kissing Becca. Becca and Ben apparently spend lots of time together, which might FINALLY get me some fantasy points. Ben is “ready to go all in on love” which is a lame gambling joke, I just know it. Ben is cuddling with one of the twins, Olivia has a panic attack but “will not fade to the back.” Emily and Haley do not believe a word Olivia says.