Coleman and I have been going to a house church for a few months now, started by our friends Phil and Gail. There are about 25 people attending the church. Every Thursday night, many people from our little church get together at the bar for a drink or two.
You should know that Phil, and many of the church members, come from Mennonite backgrounds, meaning they love peace and do not condone violence.
So, last night I got home from work, made dinner, and got ready to head over to Park Tavern, one of our favorite bars because they have buy-one-get-one beers, wine and wells after 9:00 pm. I put on a jazzy outfit, added a few extra coats of mascara and fluffed my hair up nice and high in a cute little poof.
Then, Coleman and I went to the bar and met our group at a table in the back. One of the girls from our church, “Melissa”, brought her boyfriend, “Alexander”, (who is not a Mennonite–which is fine, cause neither am I), to introduce him to everyone for the first time.
(We were at the long table in the middle. I am the pink dot. “Alexander” is the green dot. “Drunk Guy” is the blue dot. The women’s and men’s bathrooms are on the right, as you can clearly see. That black horizontal line is a wall.)
So, we’re talking, enjoying our time, all the while the table next to us is getting louder and louder as the four guys there consume more and more alcohol. At one point, “Drunk Guy” decides he has to go to the bathroom.
He gets up and walks toward the restroom, but stops near Alexander and yells back to his table, “What the f*ck! How the f*ck am I supposed to get to the bathroom with all of these people sitting here?” Someone yells that he should just turn left and walk around the table, but that comment apparently goes unheard.
So, Drunk Guy decides that the best way to get to the bathroom is to jump over our table. He announces this loudly, then backs up a few feet (like, not even 10 feet) and runs toward our table. He stops just in the nick of time, though, and proclaims: “Sh*t. I need more room. I NEED MORE ROOM!” So, he backs up a little bit more and runs as fast as he can in such a teeny tiny space.
I crouch in my little corner of the table and watch him. Just as he is starting to propel his body into the air to literally try to launch over our table, (with people still sitting at it, mind you), I notice a translucent, liquid blob floating toward him in mid-air. “What is that?” I think. But when it splashes all over Drunk Guy, leaving him sopping wet, and then I look next to him and see Alexander standing up holding a now-empty pitcher of ice water, I realize: this is not going to be good.
“WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU DO THAT FOR, F*CKER?!” Drunk Guy cleverly shouts at Alexander, getting up in his face.
“Hey man,” Alexander replies. “I just wanted to stop you from doing something stupid. From jumping over a table and hurting yourself and everyone sitting around it.”
“SO YOU POURED WATER ON ME, YOU F*CKING A$$ WIPE?! WHAT THE F*CK?!”
“Hey, I was just trying to–” Alexander tried to explain, but was cut off when Drunk Guy pushed him to the ground.
Drunk Guy dove on top of him and tried to throw a punch. Everyone at my table froze, some of out fear, but most because they don’t believe in bar fights. Thankfully, ponytailed bouncer arrived on the scene in the nick of time and pulled them apart.
So, Alexander gets up and leaves the bar immediately, and Melissa runs out after him, mortified at the poor first impression her boyfriend left on her church. (I mean, really, who thinks it’s a good idea to throw a pitcher of water on a stranger?!) Drunk Guy somehow does not get kicked out of the bar, and is still on a mission to get to the bathroom. Luckily, this time he realizes that he can get there by going around the table instead of over it.
As he’s walking around the table, he is calling everyone “f*ckers” and trying to pick fights, even with 50+ year old Pastor Phil. And just as he gets in front of the bathroom door, he stops and looks me in the eye and says:
“By the way, your hair looks like sh*t.”
Huh? What did I do?!
Jillian Wyatt 
Oh, good thing I told you to dump your drink on him next time…
He obviously needs an eye exam…
OH MY GOSH. That’s the funniest post I’ve ever read. That stuff doesn’t even happen at CCB.
Miss you guys,
DEREK
see i would’ve just smacked him in the face with the pitcher. that way he gets wet and KOd at the same time :)
I just belly laughed!
I’m deeply torn by whatI love about this story the most: either the fact that you rendered a superbly architecturally concise floorplan to accompny your epic tale of woe OR the fact that you could have EASILY kicked the living snot out of that pathetic moron – who apparently has no more ability to judge fashion than he does his own sobriety.